


If I Could Walk Away From Me

by Sidoh



Category: Death Note
Genre: Coming Out, Eating Disorders, First Kiss, Friendship, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Violence, Puberty, Selective Eating Disorder, Trans Male Character, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Wammy House, light fluff, teenage crushes, trans!mello
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-08-13 09:58:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7972654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sidoh/pseuds/Sidoh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes he almost manages to forget that under his clothes he’s different from Matt and the other boys at Wammy’s, but did he really think that could trick his body into forgetting to change? [A series of Matt/Mello moments]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'Candy Says' by the Velvet Underground.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes he almost manages to forget that under his clothes he’s different from Matt and the other boys at Wammy’s, but did he really think that could trick his body into forgetting to change?  
> Rating: T  
> Content/warnings/triggers: Menstruation, dysphoria, internalised transphobia.
> 
> Many chapters will include swearing, underage smoking and sometimes underage drinking, so consider this your blanket warning for that.

Mello bites into a piece of chocolate, watching Matt attempt to beat the same boss level for what must be the fourth time. His swearing is getting so loud that Mello anticipates someone barging into his room any second now, telling Matt to watch his mouth. If they’re new and not already completely disillusioned, they might even try to drag him outside. Mello enjoys watching the poor suckers try. 

To be fair, Mello has never understood Matt’s love for video games either. When he grows up, he wants to ride a motorcycle and explore the world, rather than limiting himself to some poor imitation of it on a tiny screen. But he likes Matt and so he pretends to give a fuck about his games, if only because it’s a good excuse to sit closer to him than would normally be acceptable. 

“Fuck yes!” Matt jumps up from the bed, nearly knocking Mello over in the process. “Finally! Did you see how I used…” He freezes, mid-ridiculous victory dance and stares at Mello’s lap. “Mel, you’re bleeding.”

Mello tries to remember if he cut himself on something. As he stands up he’s tempted to make fun of Matt for being dramatic about some little scrape he didn’t even realise he had, but then he sees it. 

There’s a large, red stain on the pristine white sheets, and after Mello frantically tries to figure out where the hell he’s bleeding from, his hand comes back red when he touches the spot where his butt meets his leg. _Fuck_. No. This is not happening. Not to him. 

Mello tells Matt he’s going to see the nurse and dashes out of the room, feeling like he’s going to throw up. 

He’s in and out of the infirmary in less than ten minutes, but spends about two hours under some abandoned staircase wondering how he’s ever going to face Matt again. When he finally returns to his room, Matt is still sitting there, playing another one of his stupid games as if nothing’s happened. The sheets have been changed, and Mello feels sick at the idea of some staff member trying to explain to Matt what’s going on. 

“What did she say? At least if she let you go it can't be that serious.” Matt aggressively jabs at his console's buttons. 

He doesn’t know. 

“Get out. I need to change.” Mello tries to keep his voice steady but fails miserably. He’s _not_ going to cry. Mello doesn’t cry. Crying is for little kids and girls. 

For once, Matt actually looks up. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Mello’s hands clench into fists as he resists the urge to punch the wall until his knuckles bleed. “She said it’s what happens to girls when they grow up.”

Matt looks genuinely confused. “But you’re not a girl.”

“You think I don’t know that?!” Mello spits out in response. Isn't he, though? Sometimes he almost manages to forget that under his clothes he’s different from Matt and the other boys at Wammy’s, but did he really think that could trick his body into forgetting to change? 

The only sounds breaking the silence that follows are the beeps of Matt’s game. Mello can practically hear the wheels turning in his head. He’s the smartest kid Mello has ever known, besides Near; he’ll figure it out. And when he does, he’ll never talk to Mello again. 

When Matt eventually speaks, what comes out of his mouth is the absolute last thing Mello expects to hear right now. “I’m gay.”

Mello processes this information for a moment. “Right. And?”

Matt shrugs. “I just figured it’s fair to tell you a secret, since I just found out one about you. Trying to make you feel less shit, I guess.” He sounds like he’s reciting a shopping list, never taking his eyes off his game. “I have a crush on you. That’s the important bit.”

Mello stares at Matt with wide eyes. A crush on _him_? He’s standing there wearing the ridiculous, too big trousers they’ve given him at the infirmary and the stupid pad that won’t even stay in place because it was definitely not made for boys' underwear, feeling more disgusting and mortified than he ever has in his life, and Matt casually announces he’s got a crush on him? 

“If this is a joke then fuck you.”

“It’s not. I’ve liked you for ages. It’s pretty distracting, to be honest. It makes me suck at games when you’re watching the screen. I wasn’t going to tell you or anything, because awkward, but…” Matt sighs. “I figured that if I’m gay and I have a crush on you, it stands to reason that there’s no way you’re a girl, no matter what that cow of a nurse says.”

The tiny beginning of a smile tugs at the corner of Mello’s mouth. “So you don’t hate me?” 

Matt rolls his eyes. “Don’t be stupid. Here,” he extends his arm and offers the handheld console to Mello. “If I buy you chocolate later, will you try to beat my time?”

Mello sighs dramatically, pretending to be annoyed, but grabs the console anyway. Matt knows damn well he can’t resist a little competition. “Fine. Let me show you how it’s done,” he bluffs, joining Matt on the bed and scooting close enough to feel his thigh and shoulder against his own. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Mello knows that things are only going to get harder from here, and that there will be moments that all the crushes and competitions in the world won’t solve anything. But somehow, knowing that Matt is going to be there makes it all seem slightly less terrifying.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mello is turning fourteen in a few months, but he hasn’t been a kid for a long time now. He doesn’t need to splash around in the water. He’s too old for that shit.  
> Rating: T  
> Content/warnings/triggers: Dysphoria, mentions of breast growth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never actually planned to continue this, but somehow I wasn't quite done with these two. I plan on writing stand-alone(ish) snippets of their life in this universe, which are in chronological order for now but may not be in the future. That also means I'll just sporadically update this whenever the mood strikes. Some chapters may have less to do with Mello being transgender than these first two.
> 
> EDIT: Adding this in at a later date because I know where this is going now and I don't want to keep adding contradicting notes in different chapters. This will definitely all be in chronological order (mostly canon compliant). Although they're still snippets rather than a proper multi-chapter story, some of them will be more stand-alone than others.

Mello leans back against the tree that’s currently providing him with some much needed shade and forces himself to focus on the book in his lap. He’s trying to drown out the sounds of splashing and screaming caused by the other kids as they swim and play in the small lake just behind Wammy’s. It’s been ridiculously hot these past few days, by English standards at least, and for once the staff has decided to let the kids just, well, be kids. 

Mello is turning fourteen in a few months, but he hasn’t been a kid for a long time now. He doesn’t need to splash around in the water. He’s too old for that shit. Admittedly, cooling down for a bit would be nice, though. 

He looks up when Matt comes running out of the water towards him, brushing the wet hair out of his face. “Come on, Mel. The water’s great. How can you even stand being dressed in all black in this weather?” 

Mello shrugs. “It’s fine in the shade.” He can tell Matt knows it’s a blatant lie from the way he’s eyeing the damp strands of hair sticking against Mello’s forehead. “Really, go on. I want to finish this book.” 

“But everyone’s swimming,” Matt protests, apparently not willing to let it go that easily. 

“Near isn’t.”

“Since when do you care what Near does? I bet Roger is letting him sit in his office because it’s the only room with air conditioning. Don’t want to risk the resident favourite melting.” Mello snorts. “Come on Mel, seriously. You used to love swimming.”

Mello’s nails dig into his palms. It’s true. He’s far from athletic, but he’s more active than Matt, who’s only willing to engage in physical activity when it involves a perk like cooling down in unbearably hot weather like this. “I just don’t want to.”

“Why?”

Mello slams his book shut and glares up at Matt. “Because I don’t want to! The lake is gross and I’ll get sunburnt.”

Matt rolls his eyes and retrieves a bottle of sun cream from the pile of stuff he’s left under the tree with Mello. “Here. You can borrow mine.”

“Matt, just drop it!” Mello’s voice cuts harshly through the field. Luckily the kids playing in the lake are so noisy that no one pays them any mind. As soon as Mello sees the mixture of guilt and confusion on Matt’s face, he regrets snapping. He looks around to make sure no one’s close enough to hear him, and lowers his voice. “I just...I can’t just take off my shirt like you, okay?”

“Oh.” A look of realisation registers on Matt’s face. “But last year…”

“Yes, last year I could,” Mello says sharply. He’d probably be a lot more patient if Matt was actually stupid. “And now I can’t. That’s how biology works.” He opens his book again and pretends to be absorbed in the story, even though none of the words are getting through to him. 

“Can you not leave your shirt on?”

“Too clingy.” He can’t be mad at Matt, because he’s trying so damn hard, but the topic is just making him wonder when even dry, baggy clothes won’t be able to hide his chest anymore. He dreads that day to the point of nausea. 

Without replying, Matt lets himself fall down onto the grass next to Mello, lying down on his stomach as he grabs his DS. “I was going to let myself dry off for a bit anyway,” he explains when Mello shoots him a look. “I’ll go back in later.”

He stays by Mello’s side the rest of the afternoon, each of them quietly going about their own activity of choice. Matt never actually goes back to the lake. 

***

“Mel!” Mello rubs his eyes as the voice coming from his bedroom door pulls him out of the restless sleep he was just falling into. “Mel!”

“Matt?” Mello groans and sits up on the edge of his bed. “The fuck are you doing here?”

Mello can’t actually make out Matt’s face in the darkness, but he can hear the smugness in his voice. “We’re going swimming.”

“Now? It’s the middle of the night, Matt.”

“Exactly! No one else will be there. It’s perfect.”

Oh. It finally dawns on Mello’s half asleep brain that Matt is doing this for _him_. For a moment, he isn’t quite sure what to say. “Matt…”

“Come on, Mel. It’s not like you were actually sleeping comfortably in this heat, right?”

He does have a point, Mello decides, and he quickly grabs a baggy T-shirt from a discarded pile of clothes next to his bed, pulling it over his tank top and shorts. “Wait,” he whispers, pausing before following Matt out into the corridor. “How are we getting out?”

In response, Matt simply dangles a bunch of keys in front of his face. “Jesus, Matt. You’re crazy. How...”

“We used to pull shit like this all the time, Mel. You’re not getting boring in your old age, are you?”

“Fuck off. I’m almost fourteen, not forty.” Mello smiles, the tone of his voice not matching the words at all. 

***

The water feels like heaven in the clammy summer night. 

Mello keeps his shirt on, and out of solidarity Matt tries to do the same, but Mello tells him not to be ridiculous and threatens to remove the shirt himself, if he won’t do it. He rather approves of nudity when it comes to Matt, to be honest. And while he does feel a painful pang of jealousy whenever he’s confronted with Matt’s flat chest and broader shoulders, he reminds himself that none of this is Matt’s fault. 

“I’ll race you to the other side,” Matt challenges him once they’ve sufficiently cooled down.

"Oh yeah?” Mello raises his eyebrows. “Better get a head start then.”

He easily makes it to the other end of the lake before Matt appears behind him, panting from the physical exertion. He deliberately causes a wave that has Mello sputtering when he turns around. “Didn’t know you were such a sore loser, Jeevas.” He lunges forward, trying to push him underwater, but Matt just about manages to get away. The rapid movements of his feet cause another wave to splash into Mello’s face. 

Somehow, it turns into a full-fledged water fight. Mello can’t remember the last time he did something so stupidly childish, but it’s worth it if only for the broad, carefree grin on Matt’s face. It's embarrassing and sappy as hell, but something in Mello flips over at the sight of it. 

Once they’ve finally called a truce, Mello's gaze subconsciously drops to Matt's lips. He's still smiling. “Matt?” He instantly forgets what he was even going to say when he looks up and meets Matt’s eyes. Suddenly, Mello isn’t quite sure why he’s waited so long to do this, and he leans in. 

“Boys!” They jump apart, and Matt loses his balance in the process, falling backwards into the water while cursing loudly. “Come back here immediately! This will have consequences!”

Matt scrambles to his feet. “Shit. We’re screwed.”

Mello briefly squeezes his hand under the surface of the water as they wade to the shore. “It was worth it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inserted at a later date: I got a question elsewhere about why the orphanage supports Mello. Well, they don't support him, really. I see it as a pretty neglectful place where they have very little interest in the kids besides their intellect, and so they leave Mello be as long as he's one of their best students. It's possible that they were downright unsupportive in the past, but I can see little Mello refusing to cooperate on things until they gave in and stopped making him dress like a girl and treating him as one (I have more silly Death Note child genius scenarios in my head about things little Mello did in this universe, but let's go with this one). They're probably ignorant as to what it means to be transgender and might figure it's a harmless phase he'll grow out of, as long as it's just clothes and such. Once Mello wants to take steps to medically transition, they will most likely not be supportive at all. Mello knows this, and not having a caring adult in his life and feeling like he'll have to go about it alone (emotionally as well as practically) is part of the reason he hasn't talked to anyone about medically transitioning at this point.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They drink and contemplate the future on Mello's birthday.  
> Rating: T  
> 

Matt’s face breaks into a grin when Mello holds up the bottle he’s nicked from Roger’s liquor cabinet before quietly closing the door behind him. He has no clue what it’ll taste like, but Matt told him to get something strong, so in his rush he just pulled out the bottle with the highest percentage on the label. 

“Awesome,” Matt whispers when Mello joins him on the bed and hands him the bottle. His face is only illuminated by a small reading light in the otherwise dark room, and the shadows cast on his face make the slight dimples in his cheeks stand out for a moment before the grin softens into a smile. “You think he’ll notice?”

Mello shrugs. “The evidence will be long gone before he does. Besides, he's got plenty. Come on, try it.”

Matt screws off the cap and sniffs the bottle, tearing up somewhat at the waft of alcohol reaching his nose. Mello reconsiders whether it was really the most clever idea for their first drinking experience to involve liquor this strong, but it’s not as if he’s going to be picky. He watches as Matt carefully takes a sip and pulls a face. “Damn.”

“Not good?”

Matt thoughtfully takes another sip. His face still contorts into a grimace, but it doesn’t last nearly as long as the first time. “It’ll do.” He hands the bottle back to Mello, who takes an entirely too large swig because he’s an idiot and he may or may not be trying to impress Matt. He somehow manages to fight the urge to spit out the vile liquid. His throat is burning. “Christ, it tastes like someone just mixed petrol and detergent. I’ll pass.” He retrieves a chocolate bar from his pocket instead. 

“Suit yourself.” Matt holds up the bottle in a silent toast before taking another swig. The taste barely seems to affect him now. “Happy birthday Mel.” Mello hums in response as he chews on his chocolate. “Didn’t you want to celebrate?”

“If they’re not going to remember, I’m not going to remind them. What’s the use? Everyone knows your IQ matters much more than your birthday here.” The truth of his words suddenly makes the idea of getting drunk sound too good to pass up, and he grabs the bottle from Matt's hands despite the disgusting taste.

“Too bad. You probably could have guilted them into getting you a chocolate cake.”

He’s only had a few sips, but Mello feels the burn of the alcohol turning into a pleasant warmth as it spreads through his body. “I prefer this anyway.”

“What? Sitting in a dark room with me, drinking?”

Sitting with you in general, Mello thinks. Matt is the only person in this shithole he’s ever given a fuck about. “I need to get out of here.”

Matt eyes him sceptically. “And do what?”

Mello considers his answer for a moment. “Join a gang. Or the mafia,” he finally replies, half joking. 

Matt covers his mouth, trying to suppress the sound of his laughter. Mello can’t help but feel slightly annoyed. It’s not _that_ funny. “What are they going to do with your scrawny arse?”

“I’m pretty strong.” He punches Matt in the shoulder, trying not to look too offended. He’s not actually serious, after all. “Besides, I’ll have a gun. I can be as scrawny as I damn well please.”

“Sure. Well, as long as you don’t drag me into it.” Matt's expression turns serious all of a sudden, and it’s a strange contrast with his flushed cheeks. “You’re not actually going to leave, are you? You might still become…” He doesn’t finish his sentence, the silence hanging thick and heavy between them until Mello breaks it. 

“I’m not going to be the next L.”

He hates it and he doesn't want to admit it because that makes it real. But in this booze-induced haze and the safety of the darkness it’s almost a relief to say it out loud for the first time, after having known for so long. As Near is getting older, the gap between them is getting wider. No matter how hard Mello works, the goal of becoming number one is getting further and further out of reach. 

“I’d go with you, you know. If you left.”

Mello rolls his eyes, but suddenly he isn’t quite sure whether it’s the alcohol that’s burning in his chest or something else. “Don’t be an idiot.”

“I’m serious. What am I going to do here by myself? It’s not as if I was ever going to be the next L.”

Suddenly lightheaded, although not in an entirely unpleasant way, Mello lets his head hit the bed and stares up at the ceiling. He wonders, not for the first time, whether Matt could not have surpassed him if he’d worked hard enough. Sometimes he suspects that Matt has never really tried because the idea of having to fill L’s shoes terrifies him. “Hey, Matt?” 

“Hm?”

From this angle, the light is coming from behind Matt and it almost makes him look like a silhouette. The combination of being unable to make out his features and the fuzzy feeling in his head makes Mello feel a little braver. “When are we going to kiss?”

There’s a silence that probably only lasts for a few seconds, but feels like minutes, and Mello’s heart beats wildly in his chest because he can’t make out Matt’s face well enough to read his expression and it was a stupid thing to say in the first place and...

But then Matt bends down and covers Mello’s mouth with his own, clumsily but gently, and this is when it occurs to Mello that he has no idea what he’s supposed to do. Matt seems to have the same problem, because for a second they both freeze, lips pressed together and all. Then Matt lets out a huff of laughter and rests his forehead against Mello’s. “Please tell me you know how to do this.”

Mello shakes his head, but kisses Matt again anyway. Somehow the knowledge that Matt doesn’t know what he’s doing either fills him with enough confidence to trust his instincts as their lips move together. The tip of his tongue flicks against Matt’s, and from then on everything is a blur. 

It’s not as if Mello has anything to compare it to, but for a kiss that tastes like petrol and detergent, it’s pretty damn great.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mello's on top of the world, and then some asshole ruins it all.  
> Rating: T  
> Content/warnings/triggers: Misgendering, sexist language, mild violence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who've already read the rest: I've fixed the timeline of the previous chapters because I remembered that Mello's birthday is actually in December. Oops. It doesn't change much, but it means there's now a much larger gap between chapter 2 and 3.

“You sure you can’t tell?” Mello asks as soon as they get off the bus. He’s asked Matt at least five times, and that’s after he checked in the mirror before leaving. 

Matt rolls his eyes fondly as he inspects Mello once again for signs of the binder underneath his shirt. “Yes, I’m sure. You look fine, Mel.” Mello finds himself being kissed, and he uses the opportunity to pull Matt close enough to feel their flat chests pressing together. Yes. This is right. 

He pulls away, grinning. He watches Matt shove his hands into the pockets of his coat as they start walking, and for a moment he thinks that it’d be nice to hold his hand, but then he decides that that would be really fucking sappy. He slides his own cold hands into the pockets of his black jeans instead. Spring hasn’t even started yet, but it’s a pretty nice day, and he’s so elated with finally being free from wearing T-shirts and jumpers that are three sizes too big that he hasn’t bothered with a jacket. He looks down at the dark fabric lying flat against his chest, and even though the binder is tight and kind of uncomfortable, his stomach flips over with how good this feels. 

“I can’t believe they sent us into town again.” Matt smirks at him, a mischievous glint in his eyes. 

“They did skip us a few times. I guess they’re giving us another chance.”

Matt laughs. “Why, though? We stayed away the whole day last time.”

Mello shrugs, the shopping list crumpled up at the bottom of his pocket, long forgotten. “So what are we going to do?”

Matt looks like he’s about to answer, but then he spots something on the ground of the park they’ve just reached. Mello frowns as he watches him pick it up. “Oh, sweet! There’s three left.” 

“I’m not kissing you if you’re smoking,” Mello threatens, but Matt’s already looking around, figuring out how he’s going to light the cigarettes. 

“Whatever Mel, you know you can’t resist me anyway,” he replies mock-seductively, before his gaze falls on a tall, wiry boy smoking a joint on a bench. “Hey, dude! Can I use your lighter?”

The boy, probably a couple of years older than them, looks unimpressed. “Little young to be smoking, aren’t you? Do your parents know?” Then he discovers Mello, and his mouth curls into a foul grin. He stands up, looking down at him. “You can _have_ my lighter if she sucks my dick.”

For a moment, Mello freezes. He's vaguely aware of Matt opening his mouth to speak, but before he gets a chance, Mello’s fist connects with the guy’s face. 

The boy stares at Mello as his hand flies up to his face, catching the blood dripping from his nose. “You crazy bitch!” He spits out. He lunges toward Mello, but since he’s stoned and still seems somewhat baffled at Mello punching him in the first place, Mello’s reflexes are sharper. He just about manages to avoid the guy’s arm and punches him again.

“Fucking hell!” The guy staggers, and this time it’s Matt who steps close to him and grabs him by his shirt. 

“Don’t you ever fucking talk to my boyfriend like that again,” he says in a low voice Mello has never heard from him before. “Or you’re going to have to fight us both.” 

The guy doesn’t seem very interested in that prospect and stumbles off, blood still dripping from his face. 

Mello glares at Matt. “I can take care of myself, you know.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” Matt says, pointedly looking at Mello's hands as he rubs his knuckles. "Christ, Mel."

Mello climbs onto the back of the bench, his feet resting on the seat. Matt joins him, but not before grabbing the lighter the guy has left behind along with his half smoked joint. He lights one of the cigarettes. Mello watches him smoke, digging his nails into his sore hand. The exhilarated feeling from earlier is completely gone. It feels like someone threw a bucket of ice water on him. “Do I really look like a girl?”

Matt takes a few moments to answer. Mello stares straight ahead, not wanting to look him in the eye as he tries to form an opinion. “I don’t know, Mel,” Matt finally says with a sigh. “I’ve always known you as a boy, so that’s how I see you.”

Fair enough. Mello chews on his bottom lip. He knows it’s only one guy, and perhaps it’ll never happen again, but he’s got this nagging feeling that this is only the beginning. He knows that the more he’s leaving behind his childhood, the less he’s able to hold on to his androgynous appearance. “I need to see someone. About blockers and hormones and stuff.” 

“Yeah,” Matt agrees, without missing a beat. “I mean, if you want to. Not because I think you look, you know.” 

Mello glances at Matt, somewhat surprised. Mello’s been researching this stuff for a while now, but he doesn’t think most kids at Wammy’s would know what he’s talking about. Which means Matt has been reading about it, too. With all the strength he has in him, he manages to muster a half-hearted smile. “So. Boyfriend, eh?”

Matt’s face colours pink as he takes another drag of his cigarette. “Piss off.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt is bored.  
> Rating: T  
> 

Mello is deeply engrossed in his physics textbook, sitting on the floor surrounded by a circle of books and sheets of paper with notes written on them, when a crumpled up piece of paper hits his shoulder. He manages to ignore the intrusion and keep his eyes on the text, only to be hit in the head with something softer before he gets a chance to finish the page. 

He fishes the bundle of socks out of his lap and glares up at Matt, who’s sitting on his bed across from him, DS discarded at his side. “ _What?_ ”

“I’m bored,” Matt announces. He stretches, his striped jumper riding up just high enough to reveal a small strip of skin. Mello stares at it for a moment, tongue subconsciously wetting his lower lip. 

No. He won’t let himself be distracted. “You’re bored of gaming? That’s new. Try doing homework for once.” He picks up a random textbook and throws it at Matt’s head. He watches Matt duck just in time and returns to studying. 

“That’s not even homework. You finished your homework hours ago, you geek.”

“No, people like you are geeks,” Mello corrects him without taking his eyes off the text. “Obsessive about stuff like video games, not necessarily interested in academics. I’m a nerd.”

“Fine. What’s the point anyway?” Mello looks up to see Matt dangling from the bed upside down, his feet resting against the wall. He’s wearing two different socks; one with an assortment of pokemon on it and one with hamburgers. The colours clash horribly. “I thought you’d given up.”

Mello may have acknowledged that he’s probably not going to succeed L, but it still fucking stings to hear it said out loud. “I don’t _give up_ ,” he says like the words themselves leave a nasty taste in his mouth. “I’m still going to catch Kira. I’m just going to find a different way. Doesn’t mean I can let myself become stupid.” He doesn’t add that he thinks he might enjoy learning new things. People tend to assume that, just because he isn’t some sort of socially crippled crazy genius like Near, he doesn’t actually like studying. Sometimes he isn’t even sure himself whether the drive to become number one has been with him for so long that it’s become part of him and presents itself as this insatiable hunger for knowledge. Mello likes to think that it’s partially genuine interest, because the alternative is pretty fucking depressing. 

“I’m sure knowledge of quantum mechanics will be extremely useful when it comes to catching Kira. What are you going to do, make him compete with you on the Weakest Link?” Mello snorts and peels the foil off a chocolate bar with his left hand while copying a diagram with his right. “How come you eat so much chocolate and you’re still so scrawny anyway? Where do you leave it?”

Mello sighs. Matt seems pretty damn determined to keep him from his work. “L says you don’t get fat if you use your brain enough,” he says with a full mouth. 

“L says that? Mel, do you realise how many sentences you start with ‘L says’? I’ve always thought you had a small crush on L.”

Mello knows Matt is only trying to get his attention, but it works. He doesn't mind as much as he pretends to. As useful as it is to be intimidating, it's kind of nice that there's at least one person in this place who isn't too scared of him to tease him like this. He just hopes that his face isn't actually changing colour as it heats up slightly. “Don’t be an idiot. For all we know he’s some old pervert.”

“Yeah, right. He didn't leave Wammy's _that_ long ago. He's probably in his twenties or something.”

“Either way, he’s a voice from a computer. Who knows what he even looks like.”

Matt is grinning. He’s having way too much fun riling Mello up. “Well, maybe you have a crush on his brain.”

“If brains are the deciding factor in who I like, then why am I stuck with an idiot like you?” 

The bruise from where the book hits his face lasts a week. Mello figures he probably deserved it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mello tries to tell the knot in his stomach that he doesn’t care about looking crazy in front of Matt. Everyone in this place is crazy in one way or another.  
> Rating: T  
> Warnings: Disordered/compulsive eating habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I last updated this, but I'm very thankful to those who have been reading and leaving kudos/comments. These little fics mean more to me than most other things I've written.

Rustle. Snap. Snap. Splash. Snap. Snap. Splash. 

Repeat. 

Mello’s heart rate just about doubles when he registers the sound of footsteps behind him. Mello’s done worse things before, _actual_ bad things, but the threat of being caught has never caused fear to grip him as much as it does in that brief moment before he realises it’s just Matt. 

“The fuck are you doing here?” Too defensive. He continues like he doesn’t care that Matt’s watching. 

Snap. Snap. Splash.

Matt leans against a tree and lights a cigarette. He quietly takes a couple of drags as he watches Mello unwrap bar after bar of chocolate before breaking them into chunks and throwing them into the lake. “What the actual hell are you doing?” He finally asks. 

Mello knows he looks crazy. He tries to tell the knot in his stomach that he doesn’t care about looking crazy in front of Matt. Everyone in this place is crazy in one way or another. “It’s the wrong kind,” he explains, making it worse. 

Matt stares at him, uncomprehending. 

“That stupid cunt Sophia was on shopping duty and she brought the wrong chocolate.” Mello shivers. It's too cold for March. He can barely feel his fingers. “They say I can’t have more until I finish it.”

Matt breaks Mello’s perfect rhythm by snatching a bar of chocolate from the massive pile right before his hand can get to it. “It’s the same flavour,” he concludes with a frown. He opens the wrapper and takes a bite. “It’s good.”

“Wrong brand,” Mello says, as if that explains anything. 

Matt flicks his cigarette into the lake and folds his arms over his chest. Mello expects him to laugh. He doesn’t. 

Mello isn’t sure whether the sudden wave of nausea that washes over him is caused by the anxiety that fills his chest when he looks at the chocolate in his hands, or the fact that it’s been twenty-two hours since he’s eaten. Since he finished his not-wrong chocolate. 

“It’ll make me puke,” he says, even though Matt didn’t ask. 

Matt observes Mello for another moment, and sighs. Then, he joins in. 

Snap. Snap. Splash. 

Any other person would have asked Mello when he last ate a vegetable. Or when he last ate anything that wasn’t chocolate. This stupidly specific flavour and brand of chocolate. They’d lecture him. They’d go to Roger or tell the nurse. Maybe they'd just laugh at him, tell him to stop acting like a spoiled brat. 

Matt isn’t other people. Matt knows no one could get Mello to do something he doesn’t want to do even if they tied him down and forced him. It would probably have the opposite effect. 

“Wanna sneak out during dinner?” Matt offers. He lights another cigarette. “I have some pocket money left. You can pay me back later.”

Matt would probably help him with a suicide mission if Mello asked him to. If he can’t stop his self-destruction, he'll join him on the way there. 

As long as he’s with him. 

“Yeah.”

Snap. Snap. Splash.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt has a wet dream.  
> Rating: T/M (probably closer to T)  
> Content/warnings/triggers: References to underage sexuality (nothing bad), possible/hinted bottom dysphoria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made some minor edits in previous chapters in an attempt to make Matt sound a bit less American. Since I'm not from an English-speaking country, it can be a bit of a challenge to keep characters' vocabulary consistent. I'm not too worried about Mello since he may have learned English before he even moved to England, but since Matt is a British or Irish kid (in this series/my headcanon at least) living in England, it makes sense for him to be a bit more consistent. 
> 
> By the way, I'm not sure what most people's headcanon regarding Matt's nationality is, but I quite like the idea of him speaking in a thick Irish accent, especially when he's talking about Mello's arse. I'm also pretty sure that I subconsciously adopted that headcanon from one or more fics and didn't come up with it myself. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

“Jeevas! Wake up, you lazy shit.” Mello leans against the doorframe, watching Matt bury his face in his pillow and groan. “You’re going to be late for class again.”

Matt mumbles something unintelligible into his pillow. It sounds suspiciously like ‘I don’t care’. Mello rolls his eyes and closes the door behind him. 

Well then.

It’s not like it’s Mello’s personal responsibility to get Matt out of bed in the morning, and he probably wouldn’t care much if it weren’t for selfish reasons. He crosses the room in three quick steps and dives underneath the covers. As soon as Matt realises what Mello is doing, he seems to wake up. “Wait, no!” 

Mello ignores him and presses his cold hands and feet firmly against Matt’s warm body. It takes him a moment to feel the reason Matt didn’t want Mello to join him. The very _sticky_ reason. 

Oh, fuck.

Out of sheer awkwardness, Mello starts to laugh. This seems to jolt Matt out of his shock, and he starts to kick and push until Mello hits the floor with little resistance. “Fuck off!”

Mello doubles over, clutching his stomach as he tries to catch his breath. “Couldn’t you have used a tissue if you were going to have a wank?”

“Piss off.” Matt’s voice is muffled by the pillow again. 

With a smirk, Mello gets up and sits down besides Matt’s feet. “You’re disgusting.”

“I wasn’t wanking! It was a dream, okay? It’s your fault for snogging me before bed.”

Mello’s jaw drops a little before he catches himself. “Jeevas, did you just admit to having a dirty dream about me?”

“Whatever,” Matt says, pretending his face isn’t turning red. “You’re my boyfriend. It’s no big deal.”

Mello feels curiosity grabbing hold of him, and he voices it before giving himself a chance to consider whether he should. “Did I have a dick?”

Matt flinches and suddenly seems incredibly interested in the ceiling. Mello already regrets the question. He doesn’t even know what he wants the answer to be. 

“It was just a dream,” Matt finally says. 

Mello nods. “I can give you a blowjob sometime if you want.”

Matt chokes on his own spit and looks at him with a wide-eyed expression that reminds Mello of what Matt was like when he first arrived at Wammy’s. In the short moment he allows himself to dwell on it, Mello can’t pinpoint exactly when he stopped looking like that. “Why?”

"I don't know. Why not?" Mello shrugs. “Because you get horny and you’re lucky enough to have someone who’s willing to do it?”

Matt goes back to analysing the ceiling. "I'll think about it."

Mello flops down next to him with a sigh. He automatically rolls a bit closer to Matt, into the dent in the shape of Matt's body that has formed after many hours of gaming and sleeping in.

“Hey, Mel?” 

They turn towards each other at the same time. Mello’s toothpaste breath mingles with Matt’s morning breath. “What?”

“You should look into getting some leather trousers.” The corner of Matt’s mouth twitches. “Your arse looks great in them.”


End file.
